This is part of my ongoing series about mental health. You can read the previous entries here, though you shouldn’t need them to understand this.
I wanted to take a moment to write some more about my depression struggles, because far too often as a society we don’t talk enough about mental health. It’s stigmatized in a way that physical health issues aren’t. There’s this unspoken assumption that if people with mental health issues could “just suck it up” and “push through it” they’d be able to be functioning members of society. It doesn’t work that way, and that sort of thinking does more harm than good.
My hope, as always, is that by talking about it, I can help normalize it. Help others find the strength to get help they need if they need it. I know it works, because I’ve had people tell me as much.
As I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve been diagnosed with chronic depression *Probably not the exact technical term for it. for almost eight years now. Looking back though, I’m sure I’ve been dealing with it far longer than that. I’ve been getting treatment for it, both talk therapy and medication, and it took me a while to decide to try medication.
The medication works, for the most part. Getting there was complicated with a bunch of false starts, and trying some medication that very much did not work for me. The one I’m on now is Bupropion, it has a brand name of Wellbutrin but I prefer the generic names. Unlike the more common SSRIs, this one seems to have few or no side-effects, at least in my experience.
Usually, it keeps my mood fairly stable and the depression at bay, but every once in a while I have a day, or a weekend, or a week, or even a whole month where it doesn’t help. Maybe it’s time to talk to my doctor about a different dosage, we upped it a year or two ago after a really bad bout and that helped, but I still have these times when I’m just underwater.
What does it feel like?
When it’s really bad, like it is right now, I feel like I’m always on the verge of tears. Why? Who knows. It could be the dog looked at me wrong. Could be something someone said that just landed wrong and sent me further into the ditch. And I start lashing out.
It’s the anxious tension in my belly, even mental health problems can have physical manifestations. Is it hunger? When did I last eat? Nope, food didn’t help, well, maybe a little.
I feel like a constant failure, failing everyone around me. My partner, my son, my family, my friends, my coworkers. I want to push everyone away, even though that’s not going to help anything. I’ve been down this road enough times to know that what I feel like doing isn’t going to make anything better. Pushing people away, quitting, doesn’t fix anything.
But friends will ask, “what do you need right now?“. How the hell should I know? I don’t know what I need, I just need to stop feeling like this. Talking helps, writing about it helps sometimes, though it’s hard to do because I don’t even know what to say sometimes.
I have to stop paying attention to the news when I’m like this, especially these days, when the world feels like I’m watching a slow-motion car crash that’s going to kill all of us, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, and everyone else seems to be oblivious to it or maybe resigned to it. I get angry at the people living their mundane lives like nothing is wrong. Is that reasonable? I don’t know.
Finding the strength to continue
One good thing I can say about all this is that despite sometimes having deep depression swings, I don’t get into the state of mind to harm myself. Maybe I don’t want to put anyone else out having to deal with the aftermath. Having a kid also keeps you grounded a little more. I always want to be there for my son. He keeps me going, even if he has meltdowns that are trying at times like these.
I wish I had something to suggest to others. One weird trick that snaps you out of depression. I think what usually happens is I distract myself out of it. Some new thing to focus on and get excited about that makes me forget all the things that got me into the depressed state in the first place.
I keep going through the motions. Doing that things that need to get done, and trying not to snap at everything and everyone around me. I don’t like making other people have to behave differently to try to deal with me.
I just want to stop feeling like I’m drowning. Is that too much to ask?
I’m not okay, but I’ll be okay.